Sunday, May 8, 2016

Turn and face the strange.... ch- ch- ch- changes......

A long time ago, in what feels like a galaxy far, far away.... a very unhappy and overweight girl walked into a CrossFit gym for the very first time.  She was scared to death, but totally sick of feeling bad about herself and how she looked.  After just a few weeks of collapsing to the floor after every single workout, she was hooked to this new thing that she had found.  Skills slowly developed, weights got heavier, and times dropped. The rest as they say, is history..... or is it? 

The only thing that you can count on to remain the same in life, is that fact that EVERYTHING changes.  For the better part of 2008-2013, I was in love with CrossFit.  I was dedicated.  I  worked two jobs and nearly 90 hours a week and I made time to get to the box at 0515 at least 4 days a week.  Sometimes 5.  I would work until 11 or midnight and be right back up at 0415 and get to the box. Nevermind the beating that I gave my body, I was committed and I was in some of the best shape I've ever been in.  I don't want to say I was slaying workouts because I am far from a metcon ninja, but, my performances were decent and lord knows I could sling some weight around.  I lived it, slept it, and breathed it.  Sometime around 2013 I even got on the Paleo train and started working on my health hardcore.  So you could say I ate it too.  

But, something happened and I can't put my finger on the when or the where, but.... that desire, that burning sense or need for this to be all-encompassing, disappeared.  I don't know when, and I don't know why, but somehow it vanished.  After my foot surgery, I took several months before I could walk properly let alone even THINK about putting weight on my foot to the point where I could workout again.  When I finally did get the nerve up to rejoin CrossFit in June of 2014, I made the decision not to go back to my old box.  I couldn't go back there knowing that there was no way I could live up to what I used to be.  I was a wreck. I had quit my job, started a new one, was way out of shape, and wasn't really even sure how things were going to go.  I wanted a fresh start.  

I found a great gym, with one of my old coaches, and I thought things would just fall back into place.  But, they haven't.  And I'm having a hard time putting my finger on the why.  I have a goal to get back to going to the gym 4 days a week.  That's been my goal for almost a year.  I think in that year, it may have happened twice.  That's not counting the goals I have to get back on my bike and back into running since I did agree that I am going to do the Army Ten Miler again this year.  

For some reason, I am having a VERY tough time meeting these goals.  I know some folks will say that I just need to suck it up and do it, but the reality is, that what I'm so stumped by is WHY this is so hard.  I used to be the girl who could literally beat the ever loving snot out of her body and then get right back up and go work out and do it all over again.  There were plenty of days where I pushed 16-20 hour work days and I NEVER had a problem getting there.  So I don't understand why I can't now.  It just seems like there is a giant roadblock in front of me, and I haven't the foggiest how to move it.  For the girl who used to have no problem popping her eyes open at 0415 to get to the gym by 0515, it feels foreign to struggle to just GET to the gym a lousy 4 days a week.  I don't understand WHY this is so hard.  I don't understand where this change came from or when or how it occurred.  I'm completely flummoxed.  It feels odd and it feels very strange that what was once so easy and so familiar, is now a complete challenge for me.  

My work schedule now is very different than it used to be, and rather than having a set day job, and a relatively set evening job, I jump all over the map.  Some days I have a very early morning job, and some days I have a very late evening job, and then some days I have a very early morning job AND a late evening job.  Maybe what my body is missing is the routine.  Maybe that's what I need? Maybe I need to start getting up at the same time every day regardless and doing the same thing each day.  

Maybe I just need to get back to blogging so that I can hold myself accountable again.... maybe I need to see it in print so that I can force myself to see things in black and white. I truthfully don't know.  But, I know one thing is for sure.  The only thing that stays the same, is that everything changes.  Everything.  

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