Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I play the Itsy Bitsy Spider and Murph and Annie have kids... say wha?

We're all adults here... or at least I'm hoping we are... but anyway, I'm sure we all know the story of the little Itsy Bitsy Spider. The little spider climbs the whole way up the water spout, just to get flushed out. And then what happens? As if once wasn't enough, once the sun comes out, spider turns around AND GOES UP AGAIN! WTF? Didn't Spider learn the first time?! Apparently not. But you know, I sort of feel like the spider today.

I keep saying I'm going to get on track with my diet and things seem to go well. Last week I was rockin' it out, and I wound up actually dropping 2 lbs. And that feat is pretty amazing considering that it was the week directly before "THE week" and I can PMS with the best of them. So I was proud of the fact that I was so motivated and hung so tough, and then, THEN came the weekend. Remember me saying that BEING around food makes it that much harder to resist? Oh yeah. I drank soda, all diet, but still... I stole a few chips from the chip bin, I drank coffee and I had bread. It was like the biggest train wreck of all. And the worst thing, is that the train wreck seemed to run right into Monday when the staff decided to have ice cream sundaes during the staff meeting. It was like my worst nightmare. So, what did I do? I ate it all, and felt incredibly guilty afterwards. INCREDIBLY. I want to succeed, so many people WANT to see ME succeed, but it just seems to keep getting the best of me. In all fairness to myself, this is a horrible time of the year to attempt to change my diet. The end of the year in schools is LITTERED with reasons to cheat. End of the year luncheons, classroom parties, summer birthdays, final staff meetings... etc. etc. etc.

But in all fairness as well, these are EXACTLY the same reasons I NEED to make a lifestyle change right now. I'm not going to do myself any favors by eating all of that junk. Not now and not ever. Is that to say that I can never again enjoy the ocassional coffee and ice cream? No, but it definitely needs to be way more limited than it is now. So, basically I'm starting over, all over again, just like the freakin' spider. I think the important thing in this case, is not to admit defeat per say, but to admit that I've fallen. I've had an accident. Now that I've admitted that I'm not perfect and that I've gotten derailed, I need to get up and put the train back on the track. I just need to keep trying. I will say that I think being away from the restaurant and away from the school will help, but right now I still need to suck it up and keep moving forward. I am making positive changes and I am making some baby steps, but I need to keep going in the right direction. My meals are mostly primal, but I need to now work on eliminating the extras and getting a better balance of carbs/fats/proteins in with the meals. I'm working on purchasing protein powder to help out with that, and I'm working on eliminating all the extra crap.

I think that my cause will be helped immensely by the fact that I will be out of the school after next week, and in fact, I won't ever be returning. As it is, I resigned two weeks ago from my position. I have no new job to go to, no plan. All I know is that I wasn't healthy and I wasn't happy. This job has created some sort of alter personality. I don't feel like myself anymore, and I've become obsessed with work and working and I never have a life. CF is one of the few things I do that I enjoy and when even that started taking a hit, I knew I was in trouble. I haven't been happy with my work for some time, and when the proverbial straw fell, I knew I was done. I'm scared, I'm nervous, but in a weird way, relieved. The pressures of this job, the stress, the long hours, the countless amounts of money, the abuse that I took... gone... all done. I'm hoping that since my stress will be greatly reduced that my need to be a stress eater will also decrease. Stress eating is one of my biggest problem areas, so I know this is sort of a cop out, but hopefully if the stress goes down, so will the eating. I know it doesn't solve the stress eating issue, but for now, maybe it will help.

So, what's the real bottom line here? I f'ed up. I ate a bunch of crap, and I f'ed up. So what am I doing about it? Well, I went to Trader Jose's, I stocked up, I have a meal or two planned this week which I'm hoping I can cook without falling asleep as soon as I get home, and we're going to go a day at a time. I'm looking to have three good days in a row. Yesterday was decent, but not perfect, and today has been better, but again, not perfect. So I'm looking for another good day tomorrow to keep the path rolling. If Jerry keeps putting together workouts like today, I should honestly have no trouble taking weight off.... good lord the man is evil! I swear that today I met the evil love spawn of Murph and Annie. Jerry made us (and I swear, he did make me... he probably would have drug me out of bed had I not shown up) do this (I have not so lovingly named it "Muran")

100 pull-ups
100 box jumps
100 sit ups
1 mile run

I ran the slowest mile EVER today and it blew. I mean, the whole thing blew. There was no niceness about this thing at all, but the mile run, I mean BLEW. If there ever was the blowiest bunch of blow ever, THIS was it. I couldn't get my legs stretched out, I couldn't breathe because I live in the middle of a swamp and after April the humidity spikes to 100% and stays there, and in general, I sucked. Regardless though, I need to give my metabolism a good old fashioned kicked to the bum, so wods like this will definitely help. I just need to hang in there. A few more days, a few more weeks, and life could change dramatically. Just gotta keep on keepin'....


Erin said...

It's ok to get derailed girl. When you eat that ice cream, just know how its going to feel later, how you will feel, and then decided whether or not its worth it. I spent 4-6 weeks preppeing for my CF Cert, eating well, working out hard. I felt awesome and was performing awesome. The recipe works. Now after 6 weeks of friends, family, travel, more wine and beer and carbs than anyone can consume I feel like crap. My belly aches daily, I'm slow, sluggish, and not sleeping well. Can't wait to get back to the plan. But, we're not perfect--never will be and life wouldn't be enjoyable w/o yummy treats. "You just gotta know when when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em." See my post from a few days ago! Miss ya girl!

Jessi J. Walton said...

So glad you are back at it. And Muran seems like a great way to reaffirm your commitment!! Dont beat yourself up about what happened, just look forward and focus on the positive!! youll be back on track in no time!!