Monday, June 20, 2011
A seat at the table...
After I made my last post I really thought that things were going to slow down enough for me to be able to get to the box three-four days a week plus get my runs in. Well, needless to say, like a lot of my masterfull plans, that didn't really happen. The end of my school year was very hectic, and with all the extra curricular stuff I had going on AFTER school, my plans again were thwarted. In some ways I'm angry at myself for not forcing it more, but in the same token, I also know that forcing it will put me right back where I was a year ago when I was hating just about everything about CrossFit. So, now school is officially DONE and now it's really time to get my life back on track and start to TRAIN. For the first time in what feels like months, I've been able to go through my house and clean and organize it, and in general, be a NORMAL human being and do what NORMAL people do every weekend. Things like laundry and grocery shopping... seriously, don't ask me when the last time I went grocery shopping was before this weekend because I really and honestly can't tell you. But if I was a betting woman, I would be willing to bet it was at least two months ago. Seriously, no joke. So, really, it's feeling good to be human for a bit.
Amongst all the good feelings though and the happiness to be getting back to the box again, I have to admit to feeling sort of like I just have a seat at the table. I'm sure you're wondering what that means, but don't fret. I'm going to explain it. (How could I possibly be so rude as to not explain?!?)
I'm sure you have someone in your family (because we all do) who you continually invite to family functions and dinners. sometimes they come, a lot of the time they don't, but regardless, You always set a place for them. Despite the fact that they haven't rsvp'd, you set one just in case they decide to come. Sometimes you wish they would because it would be great to see them, and other times you wish they wouldn't because, if they do come, you don't know what you'd talk to them about since you haven't seen them in ages. But regardless of whichever way you're feeling, you always set the place at the table.
With as crazy as my life has been these past few months, I feel like I've become that relative. CFOT has always been like a family to me. I have laughed, cried, celebrated, planned, sweat, and bled with the members of that family. But because of my schedule and what I've been going through, I feel like I now have missed a lot. I feel like because I've missed so much, I have a lot of distance from my family. I feel like I've always been invited to dinner, but just never been able to come. And now that I have the time, and I'm able to show up for dinner, people have a hard time interacting with me because they don't really know what to say.
Being away so much, I feel like I've missed out on a lot, and I feel like if I do come around, I'm sort of like that crazy relative. I may not have 8 cats and wear sweaters all the time, but I think you know what I mean. I don't think anyone really knows what to talk to me about, besides work, and I've missed so much of THEIR lives, I don't really know what to talk to them about either. I've watched them all from afar (IE Facebook) get stronger and have amazing successes. I have wished many a time that I could have been there to see it, or been there to have drinks to celebrate promotions and well wishes as people leave for new adventures, but the bottom line is that I just couldn't do it. Now that so much time has passed, when I do come to the box, I sort of feel like that relative that you just sort of look at and smile. I feel deep down that I have something to offer the family, but I'm not quite sure how to get it out. It may be my very own special brand of love, but that's what's great about a family. Everyone is unique, and everyone has their own special gifts to offer to others. I would love to continue to offer up my gifts. My problem is though that I don't know how to bridge the gap that has developed between my family and I.
Perhaps the fix is simply showing up for more family dinners, and participating in a few more family outtings. I don't know. I don't know if it's possible just to jump back into a family that's so tight knit. Perhaps it's time to really work on ditching the shy side of me that is to terrified to speak up around people. (True story believe it or not. I'm actually one of the most shy people you will ever meet. People think I'm a bitch all the time, but it's really just that I'm too scared to talk to them.) Again, I don't know. What I do know is that I enjoy my seat at the table when I have the opportunity to sit down to dinner. It's always full of fun and usually good wine. ;) So, in addition to the other things I'm working on about myself right now, it seems like this is just one more. Learning to grow is never easy, but without growth and change, my chair at the table would still just be an oak tree.