Friday, November 19, 2010

Slacking again...

I know it's been awhile since my last posting... I know, I know and I'm sorry.  Life for these past few months has been... eventful, stressful, one giant learning curve... however you want to define it, it probably has been whatever word you chose.  It's been one emotional roller coaster after another.  When I quit my job in June, I was at my limit with teaching and didn't think that financially or emotionally I could go back to it.  I applied to lots of jobs, had some nibbles, no real bites, and as fall approached, looked at the school buses and returning teachers realizing for the first time that I wasn't one of them. 

For a little while, it felt good.  I wasn't stressed to the gills, I wasn't having panic attacks like I was last spring, and for awhile, I thought maybe I had made the right decision.  But as fall decorations and pumpkins came, I began to realize that me without teaching just doesn't make sense.  I missed it, and I felt worthless.  Not having my own classroom was a kick to the crotch of epic proportions.  Financially this summer had been better than I had anticipated and I began to think that if I could just go back now, things might be ok.  I might be able to tone down how much I work outside of teaching and finally get on some good footing with money and maybe even actually have a solid personal life.  I don't just mean dating, but I mean making honest to God connections with people.  I have a handful of good friends here, but have very little time in which to see them.  I was thinking about how nice it would be to be on a work schedule where I could finally do that.  FINALLY get some time. 

I began applying and lo and behold after about a month long fight, I got my first bites.  I was honest about my leaving of my previous county, and also the prejudice that occurred because I resigned after June 1.  It was June 6, but did that matter? Yes apparently it did.  I was told by a principal that she really liked me and wanted to offer me a job! Hurray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I immediately went on a spending spree replacing classroom materials and work clothes of sorts.  Then reality hit, a snag with my contract.  There was a moment of light when it seemed all would be worked out.... it's been two weeks of phone calls, emails, hurry up doctor's visits for TB tests, and then today struck.  The carpet got yanked out from under my feet.  Because of an agreement between counties that states they will not hire someone with prejudice in the contract year following the year it was received, I can't be hired.  Basically, I can't get a job... at least not until next September.

Everything now seems blurry.  I feel very defeated, and I feel like I'm lost again.  Everyone always says that doors close and windows open and that there is a reason for everything.  Agreed.  When I left in June, it was an opportunity for me to figure out what I really want.  I did.  It was also an opportunity for me to get involved with volunteering, and that is not an experience I would ever want to give up, and even if I were teaching again, I wouldn't give up.  I would adjust.  But I can't help but wonder what on earth this is for.  What window could possibly be opening? This door wasn't just shut in my face, it was pretty much slammed. 

As the last few weeks have been ticking away, my time in the box has been... more of a therapy than a workout.  I've been highly distracted by all of this, and I've done my best just to get there, which as we all know sometimes, counts.  I feel like these past months have been an incredible life challenge, and I just want to get to a point where I'm ok, and I can focus on my eating and my working out again, and I don't have to focus on what I'm going to do and how I'm going to make money.  Working out is still a priority for me, don't get me wrong, but it's slipped on the priority list.  So if my posts are somewhat sporadic, my honest to goodness apologies.  My muse is being distracted currently by life, but hopefully, hopefully we'll figure something out... and fast.  Like yesterday type of fast.  

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