My CrossFit Story Part Tres: The End of the Honeymoon

We've all been in relationships before in our lives. There's the initial meeting, the butterflies when they ask for your number, the aniticipation of whether or not they'll call, and the giddiness that seems to permeate everything when they finally do. There's the first date, and the subsequent follow-ups, the time where you get comfortable and you become so and so AND so and so, but with most relationships, the honeymoon almost always ends. You realize that it drives you insane when he leaves his smelly gym shorts and socks on the floor and if he leaves the seat up for you to fall in one more time, you swear you're going to kill him. And on the other end, he realizes that if you ask him one more time if the jeans make your butt look big he's going to tell what he really thinks, and that is that if you were so concerned, you shouldn't have had your latte and donut for breakfast! Ahhhh yes, the honeymoon period has come to an end.

The end of the honeymoon period leaves you wondering if you really love this person and if anyone truly ever lives happily ever after. You wonder if after the fact Snow White had a second thought and was like, dude this guy killed my stepmom, maybe he's not so much a catch. Or you find yourself wondering if perhaps Sleeping Beauty thought to herself that marrying the first guy to wake her up wasn't such a hot idea. The end of the honeymoon signals a change in a relationship. It's either time to look at the flaws and continue, or look at the flaws and run like mad for the hills.

It was inevitable I suppose that CrossFit and I would reach the end of our honeymoon stage. It took awhile, but after 3+ years our honeymoon period came to an abrupt end. Sometime not too long after CF regionals CrossFit really began to wear on me. I felt sore all the time, really sluggish during the workouts, and the wods that had been so much fun for me in the past, I wasn't finding enjoyable anymore. Without a warning (perhaps even on a Sunday morning?) the end of the honeymooon came. After all the successes that I've had with CrossFit, after everything we've been through, I just wasn't happy.

Everyone always talks about the CF success stories, myself included, but no one ever talks about what happens after the happily ever after. No one ever stops to ask Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella if they continued in marital bliss or began to cry themselves to sleep on their royal pillows, and no one ever checks back in with the CF success stories after a few more months or years. I feel like it's important then to tackle the flip side of that coin. I feel like it's important for me to share that my honeymoon stage has ended because it has changed, and continues to change how I look at CF.

Honestly, 2 years ago I thought CF was great. I was zoning, I was as lean as I think I've EVER been, healthier for sure, my weights were increasing, my progress was easy to see, and I was in sheer fitness heaven. Everyday was a great blog day, and things were happily ever after. My life was at a point where I had the time, the energy and the focus to work on eating right and improving myself. It's why I became a CF success story so to speak. But I've hit some road blocks in the past few years that for me have been hard to overcome. Life quite frankly has just had my attention on other areas besides CF. My focus has had to be on work (all of them) and trying to sort out what is going to make me happiest in life. Everyone always assumes that CF success stories go off into happily ever afters and become these badasses who just continue to grow and thrive. That hasn't happened for me. To be frank, my fitness has sort of stalled or plateued if you will.

Largely because of my job situation, and a few other personal things, my attention has been turned away from CF, and from maintaining a strict diet. Even now just being down to 1 job from 3, I'm finding it hard to carve out a set schedule (whereas in the past I had been on one) and maintain the momentum of my training and diet. It's been a hard change for me to accept, and truth be told, the mental aspect of it has been more challenging than anything. It's hard to accept that I can't do things as fast as I did, and it's hard to accept that I don't weigh as much as I did. It got to the point for me where in August I had to walk away. CF has been so wonderful for me, and yet, I was absolutely miserable in the box, hated talking to people in the box, and just felt like screaming 90% of the time. I was extremely jealous of other people's successes, frustrated with my lack of it, and had a hard time being supportive of other people. In a box like ours where it truly is a community, that's not an attitude conducive to that environment or continuing to foster it. I had to step back. I had to look at myself and get down to the nitty gritty of things.

And the nitty gritty is this, my life is not the same as it was 2 years ago. Mentally I'm not in the same place as I was then, and employement wise, I'm not in the same type of situation I was then either. Because of that, my training is not in the same place and neither is my thinking. For me, the most focused I ever was, I was hitting the box 5 days a week and then running on a 6th day to prepare for the Baltimore Half Marathon. I leaned out considerably during that time for obvious reasons. I was eating really well, and I was training a lot. Right now, I can't do that. Because of my current situation with my work and finances, my goals right now have shifted dramatically.

After walking away in August, my mindset now is different. I don't necessarily want to be the biggest badass in the county. Sure, it'd be nice, but that's not necessarily what I want. At one point, I sort of wanted to be a badass that everyone looked at and was like damn, but that took a lot of energy and focus that I just can't afford to give to CF right now. Now, what I want is to be able to continue to enjoy my workouts and in general be healthy. I may not be the fastest or the strongest right now, but that's ok, because the bottom line is that I can still DO everything. Getting in to the box and doing something is better than saying I'm not as fast or strong as I used to be so there's no point in going at all. That's just ridiculous.

My goal now is not to continue to try to be a badass. I think those days are gone for awhile, but I want to try to continue to get to the box 4 days a week, 5 if I am able, so that I can at least MAINTAIN a level of fitness. I also have had to realize that with the shift in my employment, now serving full time, I have to take it easy on my body. I need to be able to move to work. There are time constraints at work for our tables. We have certain time limitations to return with drinks, checks, appetizers etc. I need to be able to move to hit those time tables, especially when we start slammin'. If I'm too sore to hustle my ass at work, that's an issue. I want to push myself but be aware that if I'm working a double, or have just pulled three doubles in a row, this takes a toll on my body. I need to be smarter about working out and I'm learning that now. It's taking awhile but I'm learning how to adjust to all of this. I realize that it's not a perfect situation, but life doesn't always allow for perfection, and sometimes as CrossFitters, I think we need to realize that. I think that CrossFit attracts a certain type of person; a driven, competitive, and somewhat perfection oriented individual. Sometimes in our lives, life has other plans besides CF, and you know what, it's ok.

As for the eating, I'm not going to lie. It's good some days, and other days, it's horrible. Sometimes I'm worried about money, so I eat things that are less expensive, which tends to also mean less healthy. However, I look at this situation this way. I'm doing what I need to do to take care of me. This is a temporary situation. CrossFit has taught me how to eat right, and when I'm able, I will. Until I can get myself back on a schedule and manage to get that back in line, I'll make the best choices that I can within my budget constraints. I will admit that the coffee and soda have continued to be a problem, and for me it's largely a crime of opportunity. The soda machine staring me in the face 6 days a week is very different from when it was only 3-4 days when I was serving as a side job. So, again, I'm going to have to begin to make adjustments for this. I'm going to have to figure out how to walk by it and just ignore it. For me, it is my next big challenge.

Really though, the bottom line is that just because the honeymoon has ended, that doesn't mean I've fallen out of love with CF. It just means that CF and I have had to change our relationship. My focuses in the box are different but I feel ok with that. It's not going to be perfect right now. Maybe one day I can get back to being a badass, but for now, I'm trying to find ways to keep this fun and stay healthy. If you're in a place in your life where the honeymoon has ended, I hope you can find a way to push through because CF is truly a wonderful thing. But remember it's not about being the best. It's about being the best version of YOURSELF at any given moment. Your best version of you may not always be the same, but it's still important for you to be the best you can be at that time and in that moment. Just do you.

This week's wods....

Tuesday:

3RM back squat with chains
18 minute time limit

65X5
85X5
105X3
125X3
145X3
155X3

Once through for time:
30 GHD, 60 jumping lunges, 90 double unders, 60 air squats, 30 KB swings (53lbs)
10:??

Wednesday:

12 minute time limit
3RM strict press
35X5
55X5
65X3
75X3
85X3
90X3
93X3

18 minute time limit
3 RDs for time "Onion Skin"
Max rep pull-ups
Max rep strict press (65)
If you do this 1 set every 3 minutes it works out well, no getting off the bar, no reracking

21/14, 20/12, 13/11

Friday:

20 minute time limit
3 RM front squat
35X5
55X5
85X3
105X3
125X3
145X3
155X3
165X1

Bottom to Bottom Tabata
:20 work :10 rest in the bottom squat position
Record lowest # of reps
11
After last bottom hold...
Run 1 mile
10:58- Cardio was not the problem here... making my legs uncramp and work after front squats and tabata was...

Slacking again...

I know it's been awhile since my last posting... I know, I know and I'm sorry.  Life for these past few months has been... eventful, stressful, one giant learning curve... however you want to define it, it probably has been whatever word you chose.  It's been one emotional roller coaster after another.  When I quit my job in June, I was at my limit with teaching and didn't think that financially or emotionally I could go back to it.  I applied to lots of jobs, had some nibbles, no real bites, and as fall approached, looked at the school buses and returning teachers realizing for the first time that I wasn't one of them. 

For a little while, it felt good.  I wasn't stressed to the gills, I wasn't having panic attacks like I was last spring, and for awhile, I thought maybe I had made the right decision.  But as fall decorations and pumpkins came, I began to realize that me without teaching just doesn't make sense.  I missed it, and I felt worthless.  Not having my own classroom was a kick to the crotch of epic proportions.  Financially this summer had been better than I had anticipated and I began to think that if I could just go back now, things might be ok.  I might be able to tone down how much I work outside of teaching and finally get on some good footing with money and maybe even actually have a solid personal life.  I don't just mean dating, but I mean making honest to God connections with people.  I have a handful of good friends here, but have very little time in which to see them.  I was thinking about how nice it would be to be on a work schedule where I could finally do that.  FINALLY get some time. 

I began applying and lo and behold after about a month long fight, I got my first bites.  I was honest about my leaving of my previous county, and also the prejudice that occurred because I resigned after June 1.  It was June 6, but did that matter? Yes apparently it did.  I was told by a principal that she really liked me and wanted to offer me a job! Hurray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I immediately went on a spending spree replacing classroom materials and work clothes of sorts.  Then reality hit, a snag with my contract.  There was a moment of light when it seemed all would be worked out.... it's been two weeks of phone calls, emails, hurry up doctor's visits for TB tests, and then today struck.  The carpet got yanked out from under my feet.  Because of an agreement between counties that states they will not hire someone with prejudice in the contract year following the year it was received, I can't be hired.  Basically, I can't get a job... at least not until next September.

Everything now seems blurry.  I feel very defeated, and I feel like I'm lost again.  Everyone always says that doors close and windows open and that there is a reason for everything.  Agreed.  When I left in June, it was an opportunity for me to figure out what I really want.  I did.  It was also an opportunity for me to get involved with volunteering, and that is not an experience I would ever want to give up, and even if I were teaching again, I wouldn't give up.  I would adjust.  But I can't help but wonder what on earth this is for.  What window could possibly be opening? This door wasn't just shut in my face, it was pretty much slammed. 

As the last few weeks have been ticking away, my time in the box has been... more of a therapy than a workout.  I've been highly distracted by all of this, and I've done my best just to get there, which as we all know sometimes, counts.  I feel like these past months have been an incredible life challenge, and I just want to get to a point where I'm ok, and I can focus on my eating and my working out again, and I don't have to focus on what I'm going to do and how I'm going to make money.  Working out is still a priority for me, don't get me wrong, but it's slipped on the priority list.  So if my posts are somewhat sporadic, my honest to goodness apologies.  My muse is being distracted currently by life, but hopefully, hopefully we'll figure something out... and fast.  Like yesterday type of fast.  

My favorite new book...

I've been doing a lot of reading lately... I do that sometimes.  I just get on kicks where all I want to do is turn off the tv (except for NCIS and Burn Notice... MMMMMM Gibbs!) and cuddle up with a good book.  They don't cuddle very well, but they're still fun to spend time with. My latest and greatest find is a book called "Badass".  Imagine if you would, all the characteristics and qualities you would use to define someone as a badass.  I don't mean in a CF sense, but I mean in an all out life sense.  Well the author, Ben Thompson, does just that.  He searches through history for the badassest of the badasses from BC to present day.  The thing that I love is that he writes in a way that's very reminiscent of someone else I know... ME! It's incredibly sarcastic, full of lots of (obvious) embellishments, exagerations, imagined conversations, and general foolishness.  I heart it! So if you are in the mood for an entertaining, and yet seemingly educational read as well, go pick it up.  I found in the military history section.  Oh and if you like his writing style... he also keeps a blog too.  It's called, Badass of the Week.

Get down with the sickness...

Ah, yes, indeed I have gotten down with the sickness... after writing all about how I was back on track and getting back to the box, and yee haw, my body decided now was the opportune time to get one hell of a cold. I got everything complete with completely clogged nose full 'o snot, hot/cold body temperature, sore throat, and my voice dropping an octave, which let me tell you, is AWESOME for waiting tables. :P I tried to go in for first Friday and hit some max snatches since I was just feeling sort of blah, but for obvious reasons, I just didn't have my A game that day. Still threw up 110, but just didn't have it in me to push the envelope that day. I'm feeling the most human today that I have felt in days, and am hoping that more of this crud will go away so that I can get to the box on Monday. I was buying medicine at Target yesterday and found the AWESOMEST pair of knee high socks ever, and can't WAIT to bust them out on a heavy lifting day... thehehehehehhehe... wanna see?!?!? Welllllll, ok since you asked nicely...

Oh no no... you're not imagining things... there is really faux fur on top of those bad boy Christmas socks... and you know I will not hesitate to break out some shiny shoes to go with the shine in those socks, AND the faux fur. Tehehehehehehehehe. It just makes me giggle... faux fur on a heavy lifting day. How totally anti-establishment of me. It's so not the sexy Lulu gear that all the hardcore CF'ers wear, but dude... that's what makes it so awesome. I can still lift heavy and not wear Lulu.... maybe there's something to be said for that. Perhaps the clothes do not make the man, or woman in this case? Just a thought...

Exploitation!

A few of the latest exploits...

This was a video that we made because Jerry encouraged me to entere the "Beat the Team" competition being put on by Again Faster.  The competition was a 2 rep max OHS.  I put this up a few days before the end.  I was beaten by two girls who put up 200 and then 215.  Damn strong chicks. 



1 RM Clean and Jerk... this is a PR for me as it's the most I've ever been able to do together.  I can lift more on each separate movement but together I've always struggled. 

Back in the saddle again...

Ok so this picture is like two years old, but still, what a better time to use it than with THAT blog title!??! Seriously... I give myself a rousing, "Well played!". And seriously, I'm not really that heavy... that vest is REALLY poofy! (I'm not fat, I'm big boned!)

It seems like when life gets super busy, the first thing to go is my blog. That bums me out because I certainly enjoy writing, er, well RAMBLING, but sometimes you just have to cut things out, ya know? I've finally realized after a long long time, that sometimes we just can't do all the things we'd like to do. When my life gets insane, as it has been for the last month or so, I just have to put the fun stuff on hold for a smidge. I'll always come back, I heart my readers too much... not to mention, I'm like cockroaches, I just won't die!

These last few months have really been an eye opening experience for me. I left teaching and quit my job because I wasn't happy. I thought I was ready to move on, but ultimately, after a few months went by, and everyone else got to go back to school and I didn't, I realized that I really missed teaching. I really like being creative and combining things in such a way that it makes kids WANT to come to class and learn with me, and I genuinely miss that. I also miss having a sort of regular routine. Granted, when I was teaching I was working a truck load, but it was predictable. Now, I can't predict anything and taking time off means losing money, not just burning sick leave. It's a very different world living like this. So, the bottom line is that I've been spending a lot of time trying to get back into the classroom. I've made countless phone calls, send tons of emails, rewritten my resume for an education format, filled out TENS of applications but yet, nada. My leaving my county five days after their official deadline has really hurt me. The prejudice following me is hurting any chance I have and it's frustrating. I'm trying not to let it get me down, and I'm thinking that somewhere there is a principal who will understand that I'm not a bad person/teacher, but the longer this goes, the more disheartened I get. I'm going to keep at things, like I always do, I guess it's just that cockroach mentality, just don't die! But we'll see how things shape up financially over the next few months.

I'm still finding time to volunteer with Operation Ward 57, and I have to say, while not teaching certainly sucks, having the time to volunteer has been priceless. I have an even greater appreciation for our men and women in uniform now than I ever did, and it feels good to be able to somehow give back. I am working to try to actually get a wounded warrior cert brought to DC for these guys, all at the request of a patient. So, we'll see if I'm able to accomplish that for him or not, but it's nice to at least try!

As for CF... it's been a whole new experience for me since coming back from my hiatus. I still hate running, and I definitely have my days where I feel totally pootastic, like the running days, but in all, it's finally getting fun again. I'm enjoying lifting again, and even the days that I'm not lifting, I'm beginning to enjoy. That competitive part of me wishes that I was a lot faster and could keep up on metcon days, but the rationale part of me knows that right now, I'm not focused on training to be the best. I'm focused on training because I want to stay healthy. I'm not the slimmest I've ever been right now, but I'm still a solid size 8/10 and that for me I think is healthy. I wish I was about 5-10 pounds lighter, but working the way I'm working, and being around restaurant food ALL the time makes dieting a wee harder than in the past. I'm doing what I can to keep in the box and keep the weight off, and when my resolve is strong, I make good choices. When it's not, oh boy, I certainly enjoy what the restaurant has to offer. :P

All in all, life right now is ok. It's not the best, but it's not the worst either. I just need to keep hanging in there. I need to keep moving and checking and trying to find the next big thing for me. If anyone happens to be in the DC area with a few connections to principals looking for a good elementary teacher, by all means, please let me know. I'd be happy to send you my resume to pass on for me... LOL. Until that happens though, I'm going to keep hitting the box, working hard, and volunteering because it makes me feel good. I'm back in the saddle. I've got the reigns and I'm moving the horse in the right direction. We just need to get there. But what about you, are you in your saddle right now?