Thursday, August 7, 2008

Restful Ramblings: If CrossFit Ruled the World

If CrossFit ruled the world things would be much different, and much better. How so you ask? Well, allow me to enlighten you... :)

If CrossFit Ruled the World....

-The winning lottery numbers everyday would be 21-15-9

-All the globo gyms would be replaced with CF boxes with garage doors

-Annie, Fran, Grace, Helen, Eva, Kelly, Karen, Angie et al. would have stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame

-Your title and salary at work would be based on three qualifications: Your CF total, your Fran time, and your max number of pull-ups

-Everything would be done for time, except for sex which would be AMRAP

-Parks would no longer be for children, and you would no longer get in trouble for throwing your rings over a tree branch

-All restaurants would be Zone friendly

-Billboards would be showing adds of strong fit women, instead of skinny heroin chic models

-On our money, "In God We Trust" would be replaced with "In Coach Glassman We Trust"

-People would travel to CA to pay homage to CrossFit where it began

-3-2-1 Go! would become our new national motto

-Our national symbol would just be a picture of Pukie

-Anyone caught attempting to use a stairmaster would be forced to replace their workout with AMRAP stairs in 20 minutes

-Anyone attempting to open a globo gym would be prosecuted to the full extent of the law... this could potentially include Painstorm workouts or death

-Olympic events would include things like Atlas Stone throwing and Hooverball. Every Olympics would also be held in Aromas

-People would be made fun of if they did not have calluses or torn blisters

-Failure to meet deadlines at work would result in a "Funishment" workout

-Things like housework would be done as intervals

-PVC pipe stocks would go through the roof, as would stocks for white boards and dry erase markers

-Gas prices would be irrelevant as you would now be forced to run everywhere... for time

-Chuck Norris would be forced to stop selling the Total Body Gym and would be forced to focus solely on his acting, well and his roundhouse kick

-Bowflex would no longer be helping 50 year old accountants in rock bands have the rock hard bodies they've always wanted

-We would no longer be forced to listen to or see Richard Simmons sweat to the oldies

-Billy Blanks and his Tae Bo routine would disappear

-Clothes would fit correctly because desingers would actually make them for people who really work out

-Kool-aid would become much more popular... ;)


Justa said...

Perfectly done, Katie!

I'm buying a lottery ticket on the way home tonight!

Thank you! I needed the chuckle today.

Katie said...

Justa if you win... I'll be claiming a percentage you know... ;)

Glad I could help out and give you a good laugh! :)

The Wigan Crossfitter said...

Terrific post!

I like the fact that crossfit is considered 'too hard' by most of the globo gym dwellers!

lin.k said...


Brad said...

Did you see my callouses and torn blisters? I've be showing em off all around...

benweger said...

Brilliant! I'm sharing this!

Katie said...

Brad I did see those pics! They were pretty sweet... I think I was too busy harassing you about the pool though to comment on them... ;)

Ben, feel free to use what you'd like... purely for entertainment purposed however... ;)