This blog title has been up on my blog for a few days now and it's been sitting idly without any thoughts to actually go with it. There are several reasons for that. One, I've been busy with my jobs, and two, because it's a hard blog for me to write. I've not only been having trouble organizing my thoughts, but also coming up with the right way to say what I want to say.
I don't think it's any secret, or I'd like to think not, that my very busy schedule has worn me down. More this year than any other, I've felt the drain of this crazy 3 job schedule. I've not gotten as sick from it as I have in years past, but I've gotten that feeling of just being utterly exhausted. A constant hampster wheel of scheduling, and a feeling that when the alarm goes off, I just want a few more hours to lay there and not think. Lay there and not worry. Lay there and not move.
Over the course of the past two years, I have come to rely on CF to help get me over the hump so to speak. While running this insane 7 day a week schedule being in the box was one of the only things I actually enjoyed, and it actually helped to relieve the stress of everything else that was going on. But lately, lately I haven't felt like that. Lately I've felt that instead of being a stress relief, CF has been a source of stress itself.
I am struggling to complete wods, I am not recovering well, and to be honest, I don't have the same drive I did before. People keep trying to push me to go harder, go faster, lift more... and to be honest, I just don't have it in me right now. A lot of times, just getting TO the box is a victory for me, and I don't want to knock that because just getting there IS important, but at the same time, it just doesn't feel like I want it to. Despite all the crap that's going on, I'm doing the best that I can to get there and get some work in, but it's not like it was before. I'm not feeling good about things, and I'm not feeling like I'm getting anywhere.
I've been EXTREMELY hesistant to mention it but I did sign up for the CF sectional. As things stand now though, I'm not sure it's something that I want to continue to strive for. I don't want to embarass Jerry or the box, and I certainly don't want to embarass myself by being unconditioned. I feel like sectionals is pushing me, but I'm not sure it's pushing me in a positive direction. A lot of people are using it to push them to work harder. I seem to be feeling the opposite. I feel this stress, like I have to get to the box, even when my body seems to be screaming for a break. So what's more important? What's better? Pushing through to get the training in so I can compete? Or stopping? I don't have all the answers. Even doing this for almost 3 years, I sometimes still struggle, and now is one of those times. I have always been someone who has struggled to find her limits. I always keep that one foot in front of the other idea, but I'm wondering if it's time. Is it time to throw in the towel and call it quits? Walk away while I still can?