Over the last few weeks I've been working a lot. I'm trying to adjust to going from a summer schedule where, I still worked a lot, but had MUCH less responsibility, to a schedule now jammed with responsibilities and two jobs. I wrote the blog about being smart a few weeks ago, and I wrote that sometimes you just need to know when to back away from the intensity and tone things down a bit.
The same thing applies to toning things down with the extracurricular stuff. I know that people enjoy reading my blog, and I love writing it, but I'll be honest with you. Whereas before I was able to make this blog a priority, I'm not able to do that right now. I'm jugggling a lot, and working a lot, and sometimes I just don't get to the posts right away, and sometimes I know they're not as witty or insightful as they once were. Believe me when I say I don't like it, but I've got a lot on my plate that I'm trying to juggle right now. I'm just not me.
Ever since last year, I've been very leery about how much of my personal life I include on my blog. The guy I was seeing actually had a gf and she put two and two together through my blog. Needless to say, she didn't have very many nice things to say about me, and going through that situation made me very cautious. But, to be 100% honest, I have to say I liked being able to tell people what was going on with my personal life, because sometimes other people had advice for me, or were able to share in my joy. I hate being really closed off because the whole point of this blog was just to be me and share my story. If I'm only sharing parts of it, is it really my true self and my true story?
So, I guess in trying to be as honest as possible without revealing too much I will say that the nitty gritty is this. Part 1 is that I'm working on dealing with a lot of financial stress. I'm working a lot because I need to get some debt issues I have under control. Part 2 is that on top of that, I have the stress of dealing with school and a new school year where lots of things are happening. Many a result of budget constraints etc, but some, not. Part 3 is that there have been things going on in my love life that have just been emotionally taxing. Despite not being in a relationship with someone for awhile, there was still sort of an attachment there. Emotions were still involved and we were still communicating a lot. A few weeks ago, things sort of hit a wall and I had finally had enough. I just couldn't do the back and forth anymore. The uncertainty, the lying, the emotional ups and downs. I just couldn't do it. As I now start to walk away and move on, I'm realizing just how hard it is. Despite everything, I miss him immensely. He was my best friend, the person who I talked to about everything, and the person who I really looked to for advice. To realize that I can't call him or email him and that I'm never going to see him again, is hard.
Some could accuse me of working as much as I do to avoid dealing with it. I'd say you might be right. You might accuse me of pushing as hard at CF as I do to help deal with it too. You might be right there as well. All I know is that it hurts like hell, and hopefully soon, it won't hurt quite as much. I'm just taking one day at a time. I really did love him, and I gave him as much of my heart as one person possibly can, but in the end, if they're not willing to give theirs as well, it's all for not. It sucks when you realize you're not what someone else wants, regardless of how much you want them. It sucks to realize you're never going to be wanted in a relationship. It sucks to realize that the person you're in love with is still in love with their ex and that nothing you do will ever compare to this other person. It sucks to realize that they will never love you. And it just plain sucks to realize that everything you've done was pointless and meaningless to the other person. One might ask if I'm worried about him reading this. The answer to that is no. He stopped reading a long time ago.
But, but... again, I'm not telling everyone this because I want a pity party. Honestly, I'm not very good with those. But I'm hoping that maybe if there is someone else out there reading this either who's going through any of this now or is just having recently dealt with any of what I'm going through, they can know they're not alone. When it feels like all hell is raining down, you CAN make it through. It's not easy, and God knows it sucks, but just keep plugging along. CF will help, and so will just stepping back for a hot minute. Like I said, be smart. Put off that extra stack of papers, grab a movie and a cup of coffee. Read a book. Take a bath. Do something that helps you. Hell drink beer and spend all Saturday on a couch watching football if it you want (I want!). The bottoom line is that you will be ok. But you need to cut yourself some slack, and take it easy for a bit. Regardless of whether it's relationship stress, work stress, financial stres...you need to take care of YOU. It's a life lesson that I'm finally starting to learn, albeit slowly, and one that I'm finally taking to heart, again, albeit very slowly. Give yourself some time, and things will begin to right themselves. Your ship will again start to sail. But as they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. Stress does not simply fade in one either.
I'm taking all of this the best that I can right now. It certainly seems like there is a lot of junk that just seems to be pouring down right now. So, I'm cutting myself a bit of slack right now, which doesn't happen very often. So, perhaps if I'm late on getting up my WODs or getting up my posts, maybe you could cut me a little slack too, at least for right now. I hope that soon I'll be back to being my usual smart alecky self, but for right now, I'm hanging in there and just doing the best that I can. If you happen to know where I live, I have found that although not particularly Primal, chocolate and ice cream are great for helping to cope with stressful situations.... :P