Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Katie on love: Perhaps it's time?

There are a lot of things that I am. I am a teacher, I'm a friend, I'm a sister, I'm a coach, I'm an athlete, I'm a writer, I'm a CrossFitter.... all of these things give a pretty good description of ME. What I am. But one thing I am not, is lucky when it comes to love.

After last year's fiasco where I found out through my blog that the man I was dating had another girlfriend, I sort of backed off writing about my personal life. But as I think more and more about that, it bothers me. Part of the reason that I wanted to write my blog was to share MY life. I wanted to share MY stories, MY experiences. I felt that if people could take ONE thing away from something I've written or gone through, than that was a good thing. But if I'm running scared, afraid to actually write about any of those things, the purpose of this blog is actually quite moot.

I was very candid in '08 when I shared my ENTIRE CF story and it hit the main page. Why now after all that dirty laundry has aired should I suddenly be so shy? I shouldn't. But one bad experience nearly ruined it all. So, it's time to get back to my roots so to speak. Time to get thoughtful, and time to get candid with you all. So, here we go.

My thoughts on love. Let's get serious shall we? Love is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Unfortunately, it also can be one of the most elusive to find. I have spent years trying to find someone who understands me. Understands the way I think, the way I work, the way I am. And to be quite frank, I've thought a few times that I found it, only to have that perfect glass house that I've built in my head come tumbling down around me in a million tiny small shards.

I've built walls and tried to act as if I don't care that I have been unlucky in love, but the bottom line is that I do. No one really WANTS to live their life alone. Humans are not notorious for being reclusive hermits. We like to be around other people. We need social interaction. We want to feel that connection to someone, and when it's not there, we feel like something is missing.

For a long time, CrossFit helped to fill this void. I love going to the box and seeing everyone and for a long time CF helped me to fill that need to have that interaction. But at the end of the day, CrossFit can't be my boyfriend. Although I would love to marry CrossFit and take CrossFit out for drinks and dinner, it just doesn't work that way.

I will be very honest now and say that my last relationship really messed with my head. I don't want to air all the dirty laundry because in truth, it's really not fair to the other party regardless of what he's done, but the long and short of it is that he wasn't very honest with me, and never really treated me well. If you honestly and truly care about someone, lying to them and doing things that you know will hurt them wouldn't seem like things that are good ideas. Regardless though, despite all the good things, the bad things left their mark too, and it's taken me a really long time to get over this person and the things that they did. This isn't to say that I'm without fault in the relationship. I am and I fully admit that I am not a perfect person, but in my opinion, my shortcomings were not quite so severe.

But, regardless, I'm ready now. I think it's time to move on, and time to get back on the box. I know. Box? What? Well, I'd like to think that in some ways, love is like CF. Sometimes when you miss the box on a box jump, you bang your shin and it hurts like hell. It leaves bruises, probably tears a little flesh off, and takes awhile to heal. For the next few box jump wods, you're really cautious of that box. You are so terrified of slamming your shin that you nearly injure yourself again. I feel the same way with love. I think I've been so wrapped up in all the "what ifs" that maybe some things haven't worked out the way they otherwise could have.

So, I think it's time. I think it's time to start going full throttle on the box jumps again. I think to have a full life, you need to let other people in, even if they chose not to stay. I'm lucky enough to have had the opportunity to love others, and be loved. It hasn't worked out the way I had hoped, but seldom do things in life work out as planned. I would like to think that things in my life are planned. There is a time and a place for things to happen for me. It may be that things never happen, and if not, well, then that's so. But for now, I'm going to keep my heart open and allow people to find their way in, and also be sure to close my heart to the people who don't really belong there to begin with. This is hard to do no doubt, but just like those box jumps, all it takes is a little practice, and eventually you learn. You get better at them, and you get tougher. Next time you bang your shin, it hurts. But you know it will get better in time. So you walk it off, swear a bit, and get right back at it. Don't ever quit. For if you do, you never know what you might miss.

Let love in, because sometimes, all you need is love.

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