Wednesday, July 30, 2008

CrossFit Connections: Your dating application is here...

If CrossFit ran a dating service...

CrossFit Connections
Welcome to CrossFit Connections! Here at CrossFit Connections we want everyone to find their perfect match, who is of course, a CrossFitter, because we know that they are, if they are a legit CrossFitter, usptanding people, and can’t possibly be severely datingly handicapped. So, help us find your perfect CrossFit SO by filling out our simple questionaire. Oh, and by the way, the application process is for time. 3-2-1- GO! (This is a test and a part of the application process in itself. Don’t stress though…)

Basic Information
Last Name:
First Name:
Middle Initial:
Date of birth:
Sex: Y/N
Sex: M/F
Eye color:
Can you provide a photocopy of your dental records? Y/N
Can you provide a photocopy of your recent (5 years worth) of tax returns? Y/N
Mother’s maiden name:
Would a background check bother you? Y/N
Can we speak with your parents? Y/N
Current living situation (please circle one): Alone I have a roommate or two I am stuck in the hell that is my parents’ house
How many days a week do you CrossFit?

Your General Information and Knowledge
What is your Fran time?
Without looking, name at least 5 girl workouts.
How many heroes can you list?
What is your CrossFit total?
Who founded CrossFit?*
*If you cannot answer this question, please don’t leave the questionaire with the secretay. Simply leave the facility immediately, and do it quickly because we’re going to chase after your ass for being a faux CrossFitter.
Do you attend church regularly and worship a god other than Pukie?
How much Kool-aid do you regularly keep stored in your house?
How many times have you and Pukie had the opportunity of meeting?
What is your max chin up number?
What CrossFit toys do you currently have in your car? (Circle all that apply to you)
Rings Med Ball Ab Mat Kettlebell
Dumbbells Running shoes Rope Paralettes

Do you wear gloves on Oly lifting days?*
*If you answered yes to this question, please stop the questionaire and return it to the secretary. You may then exit the facility. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
Can you provide us with a photo of at least one torn blister and at least one CF injury due to barbell, plyo box, or other assorted CF mishaps?
How many rounds can you do during Cindy?
Can you do a muscle up, handstand push up, or ring dips?
Are you currently “In the Zone?”
Do you find yourself doing things in your daily life for time or doing as many things as possible in 20 minutes? Please cite specific examples.
How many hours do you spend per day on the Main Site or your affiliate blog?
Do you have your own CrossFit blog?
Do you ACTUALLY have any interests OTHER than CrossFit?
Have you ever done a workout on your own just because you liked the name?
Have you ever kipped yourself off a bar?
Do you speak about CrossFit as if it is a real person?
How often do you mention that you spent the morning with the girls?
While at the bar, have you ever created drunken CrossFit workouts on bev naps?
Do you think you kick the WOD’s ass everyday?*
*If you answered yes to that question, mother f’er you better get your ass out of here.

For the next portion of your application, you are going to be required to write an essay. Please read the following topic and respond as you see fit.
If CrossFit were a real person and had to fight Chuck Norris, who would win?

Physical Test
After we have read your answers to our short questionaire, if we deem that you are not a faux CrossFitter, and we actually think you might make a good SO for someone, we’ll call you for your PT. But don’t worry, it’ll be a quick little workout, just so we can figure out if you lied your butt off on your application. It should only take about an hour. We’ll call you to set up your appointment.

Thank you for your application! We look forward to laughing at it and then trying to match you up.


georgia said...

Tax returns for 5 years?

"I ain't saying she's a gold-digger...but she ain't messin' with no broke, broke..."

Katie bear - you're better than that. Be the sugar mama! And, you don't want a dummy that gives their private financial information out to a dating service. Identity theft ruins lives. You want a man who shreds his mail! Shred that mail, baby! Oh, yeah!

Katie said...

Georgia... I don't care how much money he makes... I'm looking for proof of employment... CONSISTANT employment... ;) LOL... He's not going to spend his time after CF sittin' on my couch! :P

Tanya said...

I have a song in my head related to this post as well..."Too much time on my hands...too much time on my hands"

Katie said...

Noooo... this has been in the works for like... a few days... I just got the time to type it up today... :P Don't hate on me now... just cause I came up with it and you didn't... ;)

PS- when are you coming to DC?

Tami said...

I like the request for the dental records. Nice touch, and valuable information.

georgia said...

So, you aren't into the starving, unpaid artist/writer/musician thing, huh? That's a of your soulmates could be an unemployed poet writing dreamily about you and your impending romance.

Darcy D2 said...

too funny :)

P.T. said...

Keeping Kettlebells in the car is bad for you gas mileage. I have lug mine up and down the stairs every time I want to take it for a "walk" in the park.

Kim said...

Katie, I LOVE it! Great questions. And you might be on to something here. Email HQ and ask if they'll set-up a CF dating service :)

And when I come visit your page it says "Wenham, Ma". That tracking thing is one town off, but I think we should let it slide, cause thats pretty damn close.

~Kim B

Katie said...

LOL... PT do you have a leash for your kettlebell? Make sure you clean up after it too PT.... ;)

Georgia, sadly the brooding poet thing really doesn't work for me... :P

Darcy, I try... :)

Tami, of course. CrossFit Connections would only ask for important and valuable info! :)

Katie said...

Aha... I see Kim! Maybe it has to do something with where your ISP is based out of... mine always says Manasses... I guarantee you, I'm not in Manasses... :P

I'll email Coach Glassman and see what he thinks. Although honestly, if you google CrossFit dating, awhile back someone posted something on the CrossFit message board about a CrossFit dating site. The idea has been thrown around.

Laura said...

I know that the idea of ripped callouses and blisters has appeal to pretty much every Crossfit'r out there as an external symbol of how hard the WOD was. I've learned that it's just not my thing. Therefore...long live my lifting gloves!

Anonymous said...

I love the part about the gloves! That was a bit of an adjustment, but I can't imagine being caught dead with them. Now I have rough and tough man hands. It is always a little embarrassing when I am picking my calluses, but hey I am trying not to use my teeth when I am in public. HA!

Adrienne said...

The other day, I was rubbing the SO's arm, and I asked him if he could feel my callouses. Then I rubbed harder and he got grossed out. Then I put my hand over his mouth as he stuck his tongue out.. Then he licked my callouse by accident! Ha, serves him right

Justa said...

I think you may have a bit too much time on your hands! ;)