The hardest fight I'll ever face in CrossFit has nothing to do with a chin up bar. Furthermore it has nothing to do with a weight vest, a kettlebell, a barbell or a dumbbell. It has nothing to do with how fast I do something, how much weight I move, or how many reps I can do. The hardest fight I'll ever fight is not with Nancy, Kelly, Eva, Cindy, Fran, Murph, Badger, Daniel, or Jason. The hardest fight I will ever fight in CrossFit is with myself.
After yesterday's debaucle with the deadlifts, my head has not been where it should be. I've been agonizing and dwelling over what happened, when what I really should have done is just let it go. I was determined to wake up today with a better attitude and kick the workout's ass to show just how tough I really am. But we all know that CrossFit is it's own beast in the fact that rarely do we ever get to kick a workout's ass. It is most often, and I'll even say 95% of the time, the other way around. Jerry sent us an email to let us know that today wasn't quite an epic, but it was going to be a long workout. I debated about going, but felt I needed to go. When I saw the workout, I really wished I had stayed in bed. It didn't look fun at all. Jerry has the ability to put together some of the worst workouts I have ever seen. Today's Mepic as I'm calling it, was a blend of Eva T. and Kelly. The workout looked like this.
3 rounds for time
1000 M run
25 wall ball
25 pull ups
25 box jumps
25 kb swings (men 70, women 50)
Out the gate, my running didn't feel too bad, and I felt encouraged that maybe I would be able to do this in a decent time, and would be able to feel good about the work I put in today. But as soon as I came back and grabbed a chin up bar, I almost cried. My hands are a wreck. I have so many calluses and blisters, that gripping anything right now is painful. I broke the chins into small sets, and that utterly defeated feeling started all over again. The wall balls and jumps didn't feel too bad, but swings were hard too. I've just gotten used to the 45 overhead, and so 50 seemed really ambitious, especially since holding the bell hurt so much. After finishing round 1, the idea of quitting after 2 rounds began to creep up on me. Jerry wrote 2 rounds as the "express" workout for people who needed to get to work, or who needed to scale back. Although I am working day shift today, I did not need to leave for work, and theoretically should no longer need to scale reps. But I wanted out. I wanted to stop. In the worst way.
After round 2, I did just that. I stopped. I went to the bathroom, started to tear up, and walked back to the room and put on my little jacket. I sat down and drank some water, and felt like the world's biggest Nancy. My brain was raging against my body, and although not a single person could see it, there was a war raging in my head that would rival any battle anyone has ever witnessed. My brain was screaming, my body was screaming back. And in a situation like that, which one do you listen to? The pull up bars, the kb swings, the wall balls... none of them had anything to do with this fight. It was me, fighting against myself. A long time ago I wrote a blog when we hit Badger for the first time about finding the will to go on. When everything in your body wants to collapse and give in, when you don't want to pick up another dumbbell, when you don't want to do another rep, when you don't want to run another lap. How do you find that will to go on?
I didn't want to go on today, but something inside my head said "You WILL finish this workout whether it takes you another 5 minutes or 50." And so I stood up, took off my little jacket, and put my sneakers back on and started round 3. You can say I cheated because I stopped for about a solid 5-6 minutes, but the bottom line is that despite whatever initially stopped me, something made me move again, and I'm DAMN proud of myself for doing that. Websters defines persevering as persisting in a state, enterprise, or undertaking in spite of counterinfluences, opposition, or discouragement. In my head there was a lot of that at the time, but I persevered. One step, one rep at a time. Because believe me, there were times when I was crying on the chin up bar this morning and doing one rep at a time, but I was not going to quit. I was finishing the workout. I was doing 3 rounds because I knew I should, and because I knew despite the pain that I could. Fighting against myself is harder than any workout I have ever done. It is the hardest fight of all, and the hardest fight to win. But the benefits of winning this fight, surpass anything I've ever felt after just completing a workout.
I got myself up off my ass to start round 3, but I'm not going to say I did it alone. My adoptive older brother, Gar, and Keturah stayed by me through the last 4 exercises and helped me get it done. I could go on and on about the two of them, and how great they are, but that would make this post even a lot longer. I love working out with Gar because he has that older brother instinct and seems to understand me and my brain very well. I love working out with Keturah because she always is around to put a boot up my ass when I start to be a Nancy. Without the two of them today, I still would have finished, but not nearly as fast. They're the best, and they helped me win my fight. I'm glad I went back for round 3. I'm glad I defeated myself.